i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
