Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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