im six kinds of drunk right now
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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