Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
