i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
