u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
