I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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