My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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