A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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