omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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