I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I need moral support for this bender
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
