I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
