i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
