Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
