Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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