jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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