I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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