The maid of honor just puked.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there's paper in my vomit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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