So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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