UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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