You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
