Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
