No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
