I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
