My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
