I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
