Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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