Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
