My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
