You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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