can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
