How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just google imaged poop.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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