I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
