The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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