So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
