you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
