i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
