I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
