Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
there is glitter all over my balls
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
