As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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