3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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