i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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