so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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