um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
