his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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