It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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