Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
