I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
