sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i wish my penis had a tongue
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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