So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
be right there i have to get my cape
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
