i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
