Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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